All Hail The Velvet Wizard

In the dawn past the Credit Agency giants, bathed in afterglow of our debt-soaked slog through the Entertainment swamps and fresh from slaying the Listingbook monster, we stand at the river Tax Credits, victorious.

The river is wide and treacherous. The angry waters crash into black rocks whose shiny faces send daggers into our eyes, cutting us off from our quest, a cottage on the opposite bank. She’s a damsel in distress neglected and abused by the ogre who has held her for far too long.

A fiery-haired woman paddles ashore in a boat that looks too small and shallow for the task. In the boat, only the woman, the oars and a fat yellow bag that rattles when she touches it. Her smile is as warm as her hair, her demeanor gentle as she invites us to join her. The river turns dark almost immediately with disappointment and dread. Old ghosts of our life’s despair fly in our faces but the woman skiffs over the fear without allowing our hearts to sag once.

Reassured by our guide and spurred by the cries of the damsel on the bank we press on to the driveway of the ogre’s. Here our guide tosses her bag over her shoulder and she becomes a velvet wizard, completely unfazed by ogre or his stench. She keeps him at bay, plying him with her sincerity and warmth while we glimpse our damsel up close, her location, her condition, her charm. Then, as quickly as we arrived, we leave.

To free the damsel we must prove ourselves worthy yet again but now with a wizard on our side we cannot fail. Together we face the Guardians of Homeownership: Loan Officer, Loan Processor, Escrow Officer, and the most mysterious, Underwriter. We hire guns: General Inspector, Sewer Guy and Pest Guy. One by one our boat fills up as Guardian and Gun is wooed and won.

Today we sail toward the damsel again, this time to her rescue. She’ll be freed on the Solstice and before we’re finished she’ll be the best on the block. There will be wreaths, cakes and ale that day, especially ale, lots of ale.